Three to get ready... and Four to go!

Marriage involves many discussions about important and vital decisions. Finances is one of those important topics that could make or break your marriage. The brethren in the church recognize this and advise us to be cautious in getting into debt. On Providentliving.org there is an article called, "One for the Money," and is an inspiring message about bringing us back on track financially and, in turn, spiritually. I liked the quote by Elder Ashton:
The wind and waves will

periodically interfere with our chosen

course, even in financial matters;

but the laws of the gospel can bring us

back on course and guide us

to peaceful waters.

You can read the booklet here:
https://www.lds.org/bc/content/shared/content/english/pdf/language-materials/33293_eng.pdf?lang=eng
It is also on LDS.org or at the distribution center.

This article also reminded me of another article by Elder Hales.
The main message in his words are as follows: I have learned that the three most loving words are “I love you,” and the four most caring words for those we love are “We can’t afford it.”
As a family, and as parents, we ned to learn the difference between wants and needs.

You can find it here:
http://www.mormonfinance.com/we-cant-afford-it/?vm=r
or on LDS.org for the full article
or in Elder Hales book Return: Our Journey Home

How to Have Meaningful Discussions

The prophet, his counselors, and apostles, of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has a method to their essential discussions about the church. This can also be a useful method in marriage. 

They meet every Thursday. They also meet every Thursday in the Temple. Even when they have to discuss topics of lesser importance than other times, they still meet at the same place and time, providing them a chance to continue to get to know each other, and gives them an opportunity to practice and make it a habit. It then becomes a sacred time in a sacred place. This allows the spirit to be a part of their decision-making process. 

It is also important to note that the presidency, which includes the prophet, the first counselor, and the second counselor, meet before their big meeting with the apostles. This could be like a parental meeting, followed the next night by Family Home Evening and discussion with the whole family.

The Meeting:

1. For 20-30 minutes, they express love and gratitude for one another

2. Opening Prayer

3. Discussion with a consensus (Note: A consensus implies that they all completely agree. There is synergy. They are open with one another in a reverent way)

4. Closing Prayer

5. Eat chocolate or pie (Note: significant to how Christ met with his apostles and shared meals on most occasions) (Second Note: My teacher told a funny story about if this was really true or not. A girl in his class was related to Elder Perry who did not believe my teacher. So, she asked her uncle when he came to speak at a devotional, and in class her reply was... yes, they eat chocolate, but sometimes they also have pie)

This is a great method for discussions within our families. Not only do they invite the spirit through prayers and consistency of meetings, but they also provide us with an opportunity to be with one another and share how much we love each other, as well as resolve some important problems or discuss important things within our families. 

***Notice also the importance of the meeting lies in the middle, while it is sandwiched by prayers and then chances to express love. 

Family Events that Stress!

Danger   +   Opportunity   =   Crisis

Families go through stressful times, and usually it is through those crisis' that we find opportunities to either change for the better or for the worse. In a crisis you might already be in danger, which means the eastiest might not be the right thing to do. In one of The Fray's songs, which always gets stuck in my head, he says that "the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."

In these situations, it is hard to take a step back and see the whole pisture. However, when we do we become more rational and often find paths we can take, that we did not even know existed! Because, of course, Satan would tell us that we have no other options.

Family Stress and Coping Theory:

http://hhd.csun.edu/williams/432/Lecture%20Notes/Family%20Stress%20and%20Coping%20Theory.htm

In Sex, Love, and Violence, Cloe Madanes has great strageies for therapists, and in teaching victims and perpetretors how to overcome these events.

If you've been sexually abused, know this:

1. Evil is always stupid - meaning however many times you try to know why this happened to you and try to make sense of what has happened - you never will... because evil never makes sense.

2. Whatever the intention of why they did that, satan, or evil's, reason for it happening is this: to hurt your spirit.

3. However many minutes the violation lasted, remember it doesn't compare to how many minutes you've been on this earth, and how many more minutes you have in the future.

*Events do not define your life, you control what you think.

I have not read it, but what I do understand of what we discussed in class is that i feel like it is a very positive and uplifting message and theraputic program.

Expressions of Love

This week we talked about marital satisfaction, sexual relations, and communication (in all it's forms). It is important to know our husband/wife on those deep levels and express our love to them often, and in a way that they know it is from our heart.

Sexual intimacy can be a hard thing to talk about, especially when it is sometimes seen as taboo. However, within the bonds of marriage, it becomes an important topic to share and discuss with your spouse the wants and needs, and how they can provide those for you, especially through sexual relations. For example, when you need a back rub and your spouse tries to give one to you, the best way he can provide what you need would be to tell him where you mostly need it. What feels good? What doesn't? How can I make you happier? And the same goes to them too.

I never really thought about this before, but Joe is my best friend. I have shared things with him that I will and cannot share with others. He is the closest person to me. And, sometimes it can be hard to open up, because that is when I become most vulnerable. It is important to feel safe, close, and cared about, because that is when we can form a stronger bond.

I couple of weeks ago I emailed this out to some of the sisters in my ward, and I thoguht this would be the perfect place to insert it for my class. Expressions of love! We all need to be reminded sometimes to express our love, so I hope that this inspires you! (I love this old man - he just smiles and seems so happy :)

Transition to Marriage

It is far wiser to ask for a question than an answer. When you think you have all the answers, it simply means you have run out of questions.

Leonard Jacobson

This is very true. In class we have been talking about how important it is to ask questions, and ask the right questions, and have important conversation before engagement and ultimately marriage. There are some fun questions, like what's you favorite color, which could spark conversation and a fun time. However, other questions, such as how are we going to solve our problems? or what are relationships going to be with our families? are much more essential for the growing relationship between two people.

I have had a fun list of question for some time, and I have used them a couple of times as a fun date idea. Listed below that are some links to more important questions, which I think would be useful to couples who are thinking about getting engaged. Or, if you haven't asked these questions and feel like you don't k now your spouse anymore, this would be a great start to re-mapping all of their and both of your hopes, dreams, goals, and desires.

Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan?

Are you generally introverted or extroverted?

What is your favorite junk food to snack on?

Favorite breakfast food to eat?

Do you like to dance? What was your favorite childhood television program? 

How many pairs of shoes do you own? How much schooling have you had? Are you a collector of anything? 

Name three things you really like to do.
Who are your friends?  Describe these people.

What do you like to read?

Where were you born?

What jobs have you had in the past?

Have you ever met anybody famous before? What do you believe makes a successful life?

Do you like interacting with large groups of people?  

What is your idea of good entertainment 
(consider music, movies, art, etc.)?

Which is your favorite season and why?

What makes you laugh?

What shocks or offends you?

Do you have any pet peeves?

If you had a lot of money, where would we go on vacation?

What is your idea of an ideal boyfriend/girlfriend?

What are some of the little things you appreciate about your life?

What is your favorite kind of pie?

How is/was your relationship with your parents?

Where is your favorite restaurant?
What is your favorite movie to watch over and over again? 

Best concert

What music are you listening to these days?

What's your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night? If someone told you they saw me with another guy/girl, what would your first reaction be? What kind of a boy or girl interests you?

Do you like children?
 If given a choice, which farm animal would
you want to be? Why? Can you make the sound?

Do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love?

Do you believe in Santa?

How much TV do you watch?

What “bad” thing did you do as a kid that your parents never found about? What is your middle name? What is your nickname from high school?



When is your birthday?

 What's your favorite color? 

What is your favorite flower?

What do you do for exercise?

What is on your bedside table? 

What was your best Halloween costume for Halloween?

If you could play any instrument, which would you play? 

If you could be any cartoon character, who would you be? 

Apple juice or orange juice? Are you a morning or night person? 

Where is your favorite Hiking Trail?

Name a singer that you can’t stand the sound of.

If you were to perform in the circus, what would you do?

If you were a kitchen appliance – what would you be 
and please make the sound of that appliance? What do you remember about your high school prom?

What is the best restaurant you have ever dined at?

What’s your favorite holiday? 

Have you ever been mentioned in a newspaper?

Tell me about your first road trip in your first car.

If you could get free airfare - name a country you would visit. If you had to choose a sport to watch - would it be Football or Basketball. What’s your favorite smell? 

What’s your favorite cereal? Have you ever gone skinny dipping or streaking?

What is your lucky number? Are you right or left-handed?

Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic?

What is your most treasured possession? Ever been arrested?

Most hated chore on the household chore list? In life who has had the most influence on you?

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

What is the one thing for which you would most like to be 
remembered for after your death?
Do you have any phobias? Tell me about a family member you are really proud of. If you had to, what relative would you lock up in the shed and why?

What did you enjoy about school?

Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid.

Who was your enemy or the bully when you were young?

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

When and with whom was your first kiss?

What extremely difficult life situation have you overcome and how did you do it?

What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you?



Was there ever a time when you were frightened for your life?

Which is the best vacation you’ve ever had?

Which is the most funniest prank played on you or played by you?

What is the craziest thing you have ever done?

List 1 thing you wish you could change about yourself: 

Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help?

If you could choose, how would you want to die?

If you could change the world what would you do? 

Name 1 thing you love about being an adult.
Which would you rather have, $50,000 or true love?
What do you value most in life? Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

What do you consider the most important event of your life so far? What would be your dream job?

Have you ever lived or worked out of the country?

If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be? 

If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to? 

Name three exotic countries you would like to visit

When you die - what part of your personality do you want to be remembered for?

If you could add a single option to your car, what would you add? 

If you could start your own restaurant, what would it be?
If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left.

If you could go on a road trip with any person (dead or alive), who would you choose and where would you go?

What is the craziest thing you have ever done? What crazy fads were popular when you were a teenager?
 What is the best dish you can cook?

Do you have any scars I don’t know about? 

Can you fake any accents? What is your favorite seat on a bus? Do you have any hidden talents? 

What do you have in your pockets.
Which bad habits drive you crazy?

Name one thing you consider yourself to be very good at.

Name one thing you totally suck at. If you had to live under the sea what kind of an animal would you be?

Have you ever won a trophy? Name one thing that not many people know about you. If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

Where is your most favorite place on this earth?

What is the best present you have ever received?

Why do you like living in this area?

If you could change the world what would you do?

What is usually your first thought when you wake up?

How could I make you happier?

What is the speed of dark? 

What do you usually think about right before falling asleep? What do you think the greatest invention is
in your lifetime and why?

What do you think the secret to a good life is?

You wouldn’t be caught dead being seen where? If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be? 

If you could live anywhere in the world, 
where would you live? What do you dream about at night?

What crazy activities do you dream of trying someday?

Pre-marriage Questions List http://marriage.about.com/od/premaritaltests/a/questionstoask.htm

Premarital Questions to Ask your Fiance http://www.greenleafcounseling.org/index.php?view=article&catid=20%3Ahelpful-articles&id=76%3Apremarital-questions&option=com_content&Itemid=76

Questions and Answers What was the best marriage advice you ever received?
https://www.lds.org/ensign/2009/09/questions-and-answers?lang=eng&query=questions+before+marriage

Triangular Theory of Love

The triangular theory of love, as shown above, was developed by psychologist Robert Sternberg. There are three components of love, which can be mixed and put together in many ways to form the different types and stages within love. I have noticed that although we may strive to have the "complete" form of love, with all three components, our interpersonal relationships tend to go through different phases. For example, Joe and I started out with a Liking/Friendship stage, then companionate, and now, I think, all three components. However, sometimes, even through-out the day, our relationship ebbs and flows into the different types.

Homosexuality...

My Findings and Advice

I have learned that many sensitive topics can only be solved through extensive research. In most cases I think to myself, the only way I can know is through study and prayer, rather than through the grapevine or what society might tell us. So here is my findings:

Through my research I have found two main points.
(1) Those who are gay or lesbian are not innately born with it. Having said that, through different events of life, they have experienced being misunderstood, being falsely and cruelly labeled or belittled, being molested or any type of sexualization, and otherwise have experienced any type of intimacy issues. Nurture not Nature.

(2)Although I view homosexuality as something derived from nurture, I also think their are still many who do not see that everyone is still a child of God. They are still people. The best thing we can do is love them and share with them the information we have learned. There were many experiences that other students shared within our class discussion expressing the lonely road some take in trying to find their identity.

In the end, I feel homosexuality and those feelings of same-sex attraction is something those who have those trials must overcome. Marriage and family is a sacred and spiritual bond, that God, Our own Heavenly Father, has established as an instinct for us to create our own family. They, just like everyone else, have tribulations; And, through Jesus Christ and His everlasting Atonement, there is always a way.

Recap:
Nurture not Nature
Love + Information = Best way to help
Jesus Christ is our Savior and Redeemer

References

Bem, Daryl J. 1996. "Exotic Becomes Erotic: A Developmental Theory of Sexual Orientation."

           Psychological Review Cornell University 103(2): 320-335.

Byrd, A. Dean. 2005. "Same-Sex Attraction: Science, Research and Therapy." The Counseling and
           Career Center at Brigham Young University Seminar.

Byrd, A. Dean. 2004. "Born That Way? Facts and Fiction about Homosexuality." FAIR Conference 

And, although I have not read Understanding Same-Sex Attraction, it comes highly recommended by the LDS church and my teacher, who is a marriage and family therapist.